"Luckily you're not a risk-taker by nature. Avoid gambling -- it won't pay off"

     I've been up late for three consecutive days just by surfing the net. I'm trying to hit upon solace in whatever piece of writing I can find. Unfortunately, I'm still searching up to now. Good thing I was able to talk to some friends. They made me forget that I'm human and instilled in me that this shitty reality is just a nightmare. I am full of nonsense and at this moment, I like it.

     If i can go some place right now, where will i'd rather be? I can only think of three (3) choices (but i'd rather not post it here). But then again if I want to run away from my predicament, I think my room would be my preference. The complexity of the matter grows everyday and somehow I'm quite successful in ignoring it. If i saw the sign coming, I'll just have to close my eyes and shut up. In that way, I'm safe. Safe from complications, from urgent decisions, from surprises and from whatever consequences it may bring.

     I treat it as a mouse infront of me. It makes me scared for some time, wouldn't do anything about it but wait until it goes. I know it's a silly comparison but there's a common truth in it. You're asking me where will this lead me? Do you really think I want to know? I guess not ..... I'm too scared to even think about it.

     After all that have been said .... Change topic please!!!! I know, I know.... This is an earth-eat-me-now moment.

Ever wondered if the choices you made in the past are the right ones? There will always be doubts, risk and apprehension for things we are not sure of. Either ways, we will always come to a point wherein we have to make our decision and hope that if it’s not the right one, at least the sensible one. If only we can possess the power to know ahead of time what will happen next then we can never be wrong. We will never look back and ask ourselves the very intriguing question “What if?” I am just human and like everyone else I do have moments of looking back. I guess full contentment is something no one ever has achieved.  Even when life is good at this point in time, we always want to make it better.

What if the one thing you got scared of is the only thing that will give you security? Or what if the thing you thought you don’t need is the one worth living, worth fighting and even worth dying? Or so you thought you were happy?

Ever felt helpless because you did something and can’t undo it? Hah!!! And all the time you bluff of being ok and that you are so sure that the distress is temporary, that it would soon subside. And now you feel so wrong that you did what you think is right!

Maybe that is the reason why there is so much silence today. People learned to think twice.

“The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.”

A New Year for me...

There's actually a lot of things i want to do and a lot of things that I'll try not doing =) Here's just some of my list:

1) I'll try to exercise at least twice a week (for a start). I'm getting fatter than i used to and i don't like that =)

2) I'll try to come out and spend more time with friends.

3) Learn new things at work.

4) Organize my things and start planning for the rest of the year.

5) I'll try to avoid hurting other people's feelings.

6) Spend time with my boyfriend often.

7) And lots lots of things ....... i just can't list them all in here.

====Well, Happy New Year Everybody! I hope this year's gonna be one of the best! ====

I really don't know what to say. After i received this, everything just went blank and i started to get teary-eyed. Beautifully done, but it's sad that this letter was meant for me. I don't know if i can forgive myself for hurting someone so much.

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I have never yearned for death ever before as much as I am wanting it now. I am hurting once again; falling victim to what is slowly becoming ominously inevitable. Can anybody give me the key to this life? I am desperately wanting out of this prison.

I met love only to be overcome by the ironies of life. Left helpless and hopeless, I alone have to conquer my solitude as I always have before.  People often say that constant exposure to situations leads to eventual immunization. That we become efficient through repetition. But how can anyone grow invulnerable from emotional distress? Perhaps unlike a scar that becomes partially numb from pain after healing, hurt emotions never really develop any such kind of a resistance from pain after the forgetting and the forgiving. Perhaps, unlike wounds, emotions never completely heal at all. And, all through our entire lives it is not without great effort that we try to conceal the murderous betrayals that we have been inflicted with. Only to find out that our personality, our very self has been irrevocably influenced by the painful experience.

My heart has been severed in more ways than one. Comparable to a precious vase shattered to pieces that have been badly put together using cheap adhesive, I tediously mend the cuts, trying hard to patch the sorrow. However I fail miserably, over and over again; falling face flat on the ground, struggling to resemble the shadow of what was once considerably happy. And each time the vase becomes more fragile than the last to the point of exhaustion from being crushed and fixed. Until it loses any semblance of beauty and it crumbles to the ground forever.

How can reason fathom two people who undoubtedly love each other and yet end up in parting? No amount of foresight could probably surmise the ill-fated ending of our relationship. But perhaps even with clairvoyance, stubbornness over a lost cause would have still prevailed. For you are far more endearing than you will ever know and not even the certainty of an unwanted ending could deter me from wanting you. Of course I am saying this in retrospect and I do so without argument nor regret because I have learned that no one can compete with the past… that we love what we cannot have and we cannot have what we love.

I do not know if you are hurting as much as I am to see our efforts lie meaningless. All I know is that we both got hurt and not just once. Not having gone after you the first time is admittedly one mistake I’m living with. Pride for my convictions took over my passion for you and now it has grown to be a monumental regret that is more and more impossible to undo with each passing day. We have not been in constant presence of each other in the course of our peculiar relationship but none of us had any troubles with that set-up. And now that your absence is all-the-more looking permanent I begin to realize how important you have become to me.

I never really had much to work with, but I tried my very best to make you feel loved. I’m not in any way trying to suggest that you didn’t hold to your end of the bargain because there were moments when I felt that my feelings were reciprocated. And that’s what separates you from everyone else. That is what makes you special. The genuine attention you have accorded me is something I’ve never really experienced in any of my past affairs. Just by that you stand incomparable. So please do not reduce your worth by thinking that the sorrow you caused makes you no different from the girls I have told you about. Apart from the fact that I am also responsible for all of this, you know very well where you stand with me.

How else do you explain two lovers who cannot be a couple but through irony? No, tragedy is a more befitting word. Don’t you find it tragic when you suddenly realize that you cannot please everyone?  When you find out that you’re not even strong enough to please your self. When we fall powerless to the appeals of the people close to us, sometimes even to the extent of sacrificing our own happiness. Don’t you find it tragic that even selflessness is not enough? How we reluctantly submit our will to other peoples wishes for their satisfaction, or worse, our fear of the ramifications of our actions. True, tragedy is what this is.

There is no question that we are compatible for each other. Probably even more compatible than most couples, than most marriages. Probably even perfect. We share a lot of interests in common. We laugh at the same jokes. We laugh at ourselves… we laugh at the past. We laughed a lot and we enjoyed every minute it… of what little time we spent with each other. But what’s more important than our similarities is our unspoken agreement to tolerate our differences. That is the source of our laughter. That is the reason behind our compatibility.

A famous person once said: steal from a man his money and he can earn it any other day, but rob a man of his dreams, you might as well rob him of his life. I am left now with less than what little I had when I started. I have worked hard to be where we are now, only to see it taken away by people I don’t even know. And as Christmas is fast approaching, I am back in this all too familiar situation of loneliness and despair. I have yet to concede but I am already leading to the notion that you are right in saying that it is best to leave our fate to the stars. To some greater being. But if it is true that peace can only reign when we have come to accept the unacceptable, then I am in fear of living the rest of my life in discord.

Perhaps you are right. That parting is eventually for the best. But how can you be content with the thought that you have given and have been given neither choice nor chance? That maybe our fundamental difference. Because I on the other hand won’t let anyone make me feel that I don’t deserve what I want. But true to our undeclared arrangement, I will accept your reasons without understanding them with the promise that the winds of change may someday blow your way and lead you back to me.

“I am alone in my defeat”.

--TJO

I don't know if you guys received the email with this pic. It's really beautiful

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This is a story i want to share. Lesson is ..... Just read it. Special thanks to the author (Ishda) :) I hope you like it.

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This story is about you and that boy. The boy with the dreamy brown eyes who looked at you with so much melancholy on those lazy afternoons you shared back in the past. He made you coffee and cooked dinner for you. He would lend you his big shirts when you came over for barbecue parties, shirts which were so comfortable you would have liked to keep all of them. He made you laugh, made you feel poetic. He lived in a romantic world, and he took you with him. You just forgot to bring the ticket so you were dropped off from the bus and was made to walk back home alone.

He used to worship the ground you walked on. He used to pluck flowers for you in the sidewalk. Played basketball with you under the rain, and made you sleep on his bed when you’re drunk. He was perfect. He was beautiful, and mysterious, and so sad at times that you wanted to protect him from the bad memories, which haunt him on his sleep. You used to want to kiss his lips when he made an effort to laugh at your jokes. You wanted to hold him longer than the hugs you occasionally shared, but you never had a chance to. You chickened out too easily, and you always cared about what other people will say.

You will never be over him. It’s been five years and you’re still smitten. Pathetic. It was your fault you two never had the chance to be together. It wasn’t his fault that you chose the boy who was stable, bright, rich and... ordinary. You thought that’s what you needed. You were so ready to throw everything you two shared then. You just wanted to be friends, that kind of bull. And he bought it. He nursed his heart back into health and pursued a life that has nothing to do with you. And it used to be alright. Yes, you look at him from time to time, feel a certain regret at the deepest corner of your heart, but you manage to ignore it. You believed you two were never meant to be.

It’s been five years since the last time you saw adoration in his eyes when he looked at you. Five years since the last time you shared a mug of black coffee outside his apartment, while the afternoon sun played with the strands of his hair. Five years since you said you two will never be anything else but friends. Five years since he walked away from your life.

You need to let go. You need to forget. You can shed buckets of tears over your own mistakes but it will never change anything. He will never come back to you. You have to stop fooling yourself that the universe will conspire to get you two together again. The universe doesn’t even think you deserve a second chance.

I got up early for the Sunday Mass. It was really cool to spend the weekend with my family. :) I'm also glad that tomorrow is a holiday. At least i'll have a break from the office. Whew! I went to a salon a while ago and somebody asked my age. She thought i'm only seventeen (17). I just smiled and said "I'm already 22". Harharhar!

Well, i really don't have plans for tonight and tomorrow. I just want to read some notes and embarass my boss if he ever decides to ask me some questions. I'm not really that rude, just wanna be ready for anything. Besides, i don't really like his way of treating his staff.

I realized that i want to travel this year. Singapore may be great and i want to see it. Of course, i want to see Europe. Who doesn't? Well, it's just that i don't have enough budget for that one right now. Maybe soon! :)

I told myself i will never be shy from now on. :) If i want something, i will tell it straight. If i think something is wrong, i will stand up and do my stuff. I will not be scared to voice out anything (except for horror films) hehehehhe. I just can't deal with ghost :wink:

Hmmm... i think i have to share some readings. Watch out for that! Something that will melt other people's heart. Awwww.... Better not be my own experience :)

I've been busy as always. Well, good news is I finally have a job --- a job i truly want. Although im still adjusting when it comes to being new to everything; new friends, new responsibilites and new expectations. I guess im handling it pretty well. Of course, it's not at all perfect because nothing is! Urgh...i hate that statement! Why? Because it can always be an answer to everything and sometimes people make it an excuse for their failures in life! But i guess i just have to bear with it until i finally found the formula for perfection.:wink:

Christmas time is in the air. I think people are ready to celebrate except for their pockets. :( For some, life is really difficult this time of the year. I'm just glad that I'm still surviving it.

I got the chance to see my friends last night and i felt really glad. I felt comfortable that they are still there beside me whenever i feel a little depressed and with me during times i need a chat :) 

I asked myself why do i like Lenny Kravitz a lot? Because there is no reason why i shouldn't! Lenny Rocks! :)

"

Just another story i want to share. Sometimes no matter how you try to avoid things, the more they come to you. Special thanks to the author